Chinx Drugz (feat. French Montana, Rick Ross & Diddy) - Ima Coke Boy (remix) (2013)

this was a great song. Now it’s a great remix. The 2K13 “Shot Caller”?

Rick Ross - Children’s Story (Def Jam, 2007)

After hearing Game’s take on Slick Rick’s Children Story, I was reminded of all the rappers who have recreated that song over the years. Obviously Mos Def’s Children’s Story from Black Star is the most recognizable; also, probably the best version that pays homage to the original. However, my favorite Children’s Story tribute may very well be Def Jam’s second Uncle Ricky, Rick Ross himself.

Leading up to Trilla, there was a lot of speculation as to what that album would sound like. Trilla is still arguably my favorite Ross album, but that might be due to the sheer anticipation leading up to the album’s release (and the lack of good rap music in 2008). Ross was displaying sharper lyricism on all of his guest appearances following Port Of Miami, and his beat selection was growing more varied; songs like The Boss rode out with that smooth Yacht Music vibe, while Speedin’ provided a more glossy version of Ricky’s previous singles. The Scarface-theme was still prevalent, but it was obvious Officer Ricky’s producers were running out of 80s pop hits with the aura of Miami in the 80s.

Enter Children’s Story; and if you can imagine, the reaction to this song wasn’t entirely positive. Unlike the other songs that pay tribute to Slick Rick’s magnum opus, Ross’ didn’t follow the guidelines sent by the OG in anyway. The beat itself is merely a slowed-down version of the original, with some added 808s and turntable-scratches. It’s appropriately chunky; the bass pounding where the subtlety of the original’s was once present. If Ross is telling a story to children, they should be promptly removed from his custody.

Despite the lack of relevancy to the original, Ross’ charisma can’t be ignored; he talks about opening a Burger King, at which point Magic Johnson finally takes notice of him. His internal rhyme scheme is very prevalent here; as hypnotizing as Killa Cam’s, but with the fat man charm that Rick Ross brings to every song. The image of Rick Ross caressing his pet tiger with his giant hands is also one that’ll be forever embedded in your memory.

Unfortunately, due to whatever reason (I doubt it’s sampling considering it’s the same label), this never found its way on Trilla.

Kanye West (feat. Rick Ross, Jay-Z, Nicki Minaj & Bon Iver) - Monster (Def Jam, 2010)

Kanye West, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, and Monster have been written about to the point that I feel filfthy merely putting out words about this video - and I feel like most of my peers have as well, due to the fact that no one has said anything of remote value about this unfinished version of Kanye’s long-awaited Monster video since it leaked nearly a week ago. Maybe the Holiday season distracted us, but the fact that few words have been spilled about it since then is rather unsettling; especially considering the fact that this is probably the most interesting music video, at least in my perspective, since .. I really don’t even know.

The thing that’s so fantastic about this video is how it leaves so much more to talk about than the music at hand. I’d rather not discuss how Nicki delivered the verse of the year anymore; I’m tired of ecstaticly raving about Kanye’s use of Egyptian-imagery boiling down the pinnacle of it all with that Sarcophagus line. Even Jay-Z’s Count Dracula verse has been long spoken about due to its seemingly awkward placing here; I’d rather talk about the fact that Justin Bieber, or a JB-clone, makes a cameo in this video laying dead on a kitchen countertop as two zombie-models disembowel him. I’d rather discuss the fact that Rick Ross only has two quick scenes here, and he’s probably the highlight of it for me; appearing in the beginning with his verse heard over his silent-host character in the video, and then, closing the door to a room where we can only assume he’s about to commit some disgusting fat-man necrophiliac-travesties in. That type of shit makes me and my morbid sense of humor squeel like a pig given a fresh batch of shit to devour.

What about Jay’s completely oblivious reaction to his entire setting? He’s the only character in this video who doesn’t interact with the world, only recognizing that there’s a dead corpse behind him out of the corner of his eye after he delivers his verse in his best Angus Grimm suit, straight out of the Phantasm. What about Kanye’s mix of designer-clothing and horror that harken back to American Psycho far more than his Love Lockdown video ever did? At one point, with these large, designer gloves on his hands, we see Kanye reciting the chorus to Monster, tapping his foot non-chalantly as he carries a decapitated head in his free hand. Also, a severed hands lays on a staircase with an in-joke that may not be captured on first viewing.

Nicki, again, has been the only thing really spoken about in this video, and as a red-blooded males, it’s understandable; when her S&M alter-ego starts grinding on her pink-wigged, thick-ass give ‘em whiplash Alice In Wonderland alter-ego, it’s hard to really remember anything else that’s taken place in the video. However, her part is far from the most interesting, and sexually-explicit things in the video; there are plenty of models everywhere else doing far more interesting stuff, like the one in the beginning of the video, who is, you know, hanging by a chain, feet dangling beneath her as Bon Iver wails away.

I haven’t covered nearly everything that makes this Monster video great; but damn does it bring out the horror-movie nerd in me.

Sidenote: stop trying to talk about the social commentary going on in this video; it’s a fucking rap music video. Bringing up feminish and female self-empowerment because of the images portrayed in this video is just a bit silly. Also, no, that Muppets remix is not nearly as good as this. It’s funny, but no. Stop letting other peoples opinions influence your own, especially when those people are fucking Perez Hilton.

Rick Ross (feat. Gucci Mane) - MC Hammer (Maybach Music/Def Jam, 2010)

The song that brought MC Hammer back to (some) relevance gets the visual treatment a little too late, and it unfortunately doesn’t feature Ricky in golden parachute pants. At least they included the dancers? One thing that’s kinda funny about this video is how much energy Ross exhibits by bouncing around for most of the four minutes, while his smaller (yet still pot-bellied) feature kinda just stands there. If I ever had a complaint about Gucci (and I never really have), it’d probably be the lack of emotion he shows in person compared to the amount of charisma and passion that’s heard on his records. I guess it goes back to what I’ve said many times before, in that the Gucci Mane character is far different than Radric Davis as a man. He may also be sober here (although if his recent arrest is any evidence, probably not).

Rick Ross - I’m Not A Star (Maybach Music/Def Jam, 2010)

The biggest banger from Teflon Don that wasn’t produced by Lex Luger, the Justice League-helmed I’m Not A Star gets the visual treatment. The tradition of tattoo artists in Rick Ross’ videos is still going strong. What’s with that anyway? Also, beware of the man tits if you’re one of those people who’re like “OMG FAT GUI LOLZ!”

Am I my brother’s keeper? MOTHERFUCKER TAKE MY HAND